Building on the Ruins

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I can’t seem to escape it.  I hear it in song lyrics. I see it in scripture. I feel it stirring in the depths of my soul.

I think God is out to ruin me. Here’s why…

I’m finding that the things from which I garner much of my own personal value are slowly being removed.  Albeit gently, they are none the less slipping through the cracks of my ever-tightening grip.  The people, social activities, and assets that I have so often used as bench marks for my measurement of worth are being stripped from me.  I don’t mean to say that my friends are leaving me, or that no one is inviting me to hang out or that my car was impounded.    Instead, what I am finding is that none of these things are bringing the fulfillment or satisfaction that they did at one time. What’s more is that my desire is not for more of these things which I already possess. My desires have changed completely, from the inside out.

What I really want is less of me being me.  Do you ever find that you get in your own way? I want less of my fleshly human tendencies getting in the way of seeing and hearing God more clearly.  I really need less of my earthly priorities, worries, and even abilities.  I want less of my fleshly reaction and more of His spiritual response.

What I really need is less dependence on (or none at all) affirmation of who I really am flowing from any other source besides Him. I know this. I know, I know this. I just don’t live by or act on it.  And I never would have realized it if He hadn’t removed so many distractions. Distractions that I had made ultimate–things that I have idolized.

Vulnerable. Exposed. Overly aware of how little I truly am and how much I truly don’t have outside of the identity of Christ, I feel as though I stand among the ruins of my former ignorance. The rubble is piled high and the dust is slowly settling, granting me a fuzzy glimpse at how unattractive my walls truly were.  Walls of defense; partitions meant for safety that evolved into barricades of self-sufficiency.  All the while, these safety measures, these acts of precaution, merely created disillusionment.  What I thought I was guarding and protecting so well, my heart, I had really only cut off from any hope of freedom and life.  I had literally sheltered myself from those things I anticipated, but never actually encountered. Lies.

So now I stand among the ruins, squinting at the endlessly bright rays of truth and light, unable to see what lies ahead.  Chains loosed, I stand with weak knees, wanting desperately to take a step forward and nearly too frightened to do so.

Which foot first? What direction? How long is the journey out of this fallen city?

All questions I can not yet answer.  But I am hopeful that my view will be less hindered.

Here are the songs that helped enlighten my heart to this new found place:

Hurricane by Jimmy Needham

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

CHORUS
I need You like a hurricane
Thunder crashing, wind and rain
To tear my walls down
I’m only Yours now
I need you like a burning flame
A wild fire untamed
To burn these walls down
I’m only Yours now
I’m only Yours now

I am Yours and You are mine
You know far better than I
And if destruction’s what I need
Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee
Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee

(Chorus)

And it’s Your eye in the storm
Watching over me
And it’s Your eye in the storm
Wanting only good for me
And if You are the war
Let me be the casualty
‘Til I’m Yours alone
I am only Yours
I am Yours alone, Lord

Ruins by Bebo Norman

Laying flat upon my back,
All the world in motion
Everything goes by so fast
I feel like I’m frozen

After all is said and done
Did I fail to mention
Everything I haven’t done
All my good intentions

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am saved

I’ve no fear of height or depth
I’ve no fear of crashing
The single thing I fear the most
Simply feeling nothing

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved

Let my ruins become the ground you build upon
Let my ruins become the start
Let my ruins become the ground you build it on
From what’s left of my broken heart

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved

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About mndunn26

I recently realized that my life is somewhat of a beautiful mess. A "pollack-type-picture" if you will, of colors, experiences, and people that, despite the seeming disarray, is captivating & confusing; patterened & yet unpredictable. But most of all, it is mysteriously designed, purposed, and appointed. For what? I don't know yet... but I'm learning as I go.

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