Remembering to Forget

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Remember when I used to blog? Consistently?

It’s not for lacking of thinking.  On the contrary; I’ve been thinking more than normal and it’s exhausting. So exhausting, in fact, that finding the right words to help define all my various self-discoveries has seemed to be an impossible task.

But I think that today, after a couple of weeks of introspection, something has surfaced. All because of a really simple question.

Do you think you’re unworthy?

 Unworthy of a good man? Unworthy of being loved? Unworthy of people liking you simply because of who you are?

The answer: a resounding “yes.”

“Why?” the person asked. “Who told you that you were unworthy?”

The girls in 3rd grade that shoved me off the basketball court for walking to close to their huddle.

The girls in 4th grade that filled a baseball hat with horse manure and shoved it on my head, all while laughing and saying “Eww, you’re ugly.”

Numerous teachers that accused me of stupidity in front of my peers for asking overly simplistic questions.

Highschool teammates that laughed at me when I tore my ACL. “It’s your fault; your foot crossed the line.”

Horse trainers that yelled in my face what my errors were but never showed me how to correct them. Long lessons of “Are you telling me that you’ve ridden more than once?! Show me you know what you’re doing! PROVE IT!”

College guys that said, “You know you’re not dating material; you’re marriage material but guys don’t want that now.”

One person didn’t tell me I was unworthy.  Countless people treated me in such a way that made me believe I was. And when those voices and actions are loud enough, it becomes difficult to drown them out. 

The irony is that these memories rarely cross my mind. I think on them once a year, maybe.  I have moved on in many ways.  But I have not forgotten.

So what made them surface now? The sound of something new.

I love you for who you are.

I’d love desperately to hold onto that gem, but there seems to be little room left for influence… unless something else is purged.

And so the process begins.

Remembering the pain on purpose, forgiving people I no longer know, and forgetting the lies that take up too much space.

It’s time to make room. Time to clear the floor.

I’m finally realizing that what others say about me doesn’t determine who I am.

My identity was nailed to the cross a long time ago.

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About mndunn26

I recently realized that my life is somewhat of a beautiful mess. A "pollack-type-picture" if you will, of colors, experiences, and people that, despite the seeming disarray, is captivating & confusing; patterened & yet unpredictable. But most of all, it is mysteriously designed, purposed, and appointed. For what? I don't know yet... but I'm learning as I go.

16 responses »

  1. God is redeeming all of that past stuff by who He is shaping you into. I think that is easy to see…I hope you see it too.

    Forgetting is such a key piece of grace and forgiveness. God is intentional about it and we need to be too.

    Thank you for this Meredith.

  2. Dear sweet Meredith,
    Jealous people are mean.
    Depth and beauty are intimidating, threatening.
    What other explanation could there be?
    You are an amazing person – inside and out – have definitely lit up our family blog!
    You are dearly loved.

    • Amen! We are worth it because the cross said so. Thanks so much for reading, so grateful it blessed you friend.

  3. They say that even hurtful things like this are stored in the subconscious memory even if we don’t remember them consciously. How sad that people are ridiculed in the ways you described, and even in worse ways. How wonderful that we can know that we are worthy if Christ is our Savior and we are children of the King. Sometimes it takes years for us to fully comprehend this fact. I’m glad you shared this poignant insight. I know a lot of people struggle with these issues.
    Blessings,
    Charlotte

  4. Meredith, thanks for the reminder that God only makes geniuses (in one form or another)and it’s the enemy that turns them into idiots. Words may not break bone but they do break the spirit – thanks for the caution sign. PS:You are a really good writer and I want to encourage you to keep it up! God is using you sister. Blessings

    • Brilliant point, Kevin. God doesn’t make a mistake or an accident. Thank you for reading and for your encouragement to keep writing. That’s exactly what I plan to do!

  5. Keep thinking. Keep writing. God is obviously using those times of negative shaping to craft your words that shape us positively now. Thank you!

  6. Meredith,
    Sometimes it helps to realize that those people are jealous, but often my heart still hurts–a lot. So I find that I still need to go back and make those confessions over and over again.
    I am loved and cherished by God. (Eph. 1:4)
    I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.(Phil.4:13)
    I am a forgiven child of God. (Romans 3:24)
    I am a set-free child of God. (Romans 8:1 – 2)
    I am an accepted child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:2)
    I am a holy child of God. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
    I am a made-new child of God. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
    I am a child of God. (Ephesians 2:13)
    I am a confident child of God. (Ephesians 3:12)
    I am a victorious child of God (Romans 8:37)

    Thanks for being brave enough to voice what so many others battle with, silently and alone.

    • Wow! Thank you Judi! I love these promises; what a blesses reminder of the simple truths that run so deep!

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